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Funny quote from Jim Murray

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Pivotal Fun. Earth Day jokes

 

'I have an obsession with wind farms.'

'Really?'

'Yes. I'm a huge fan.'

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There are no passengers on Spaceship Earth. We are all crew.

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Q: Did you hear the one about the aluminium recycling plant?

A: It smelt!

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In honor of Earth day, I'm sending all of my work-related emails to my "recycle" folder.

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Q: What did one tree say to the other?

A: Are you a Sap!

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Obviously you can't confess all your sins in one go but must separate bottle, paper and plastic confessions.

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Q: What is the difference between a person and a tree?

A: One is illegal to hit with an ax!

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We do not inherit the Earth from our ancestors we borrow it from our children.

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Q: What can the climate do that weather can't do with a tree?

A: Climb it.

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An environmentalist dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, 'Ah, you're an environmentalist - you're in the wrong place.' Thinking that heaven could never make an error, the environmentalist reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the environmentalist gets dissatisfied with the environment in hell, and starts implementing eco-friendly improvements. After a while, global warming, air and water pollution are under control. The landscape is covered with grass and plants, the food is organic and the people are happy. The environmentalist has become a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, 'So, how's it going down there in hell?'
Satan replies, 'Hey, things are going great. We've clean air and water, the temperature is better and the food tastes better, and there's no telling what this environmentalist is going to fix next.'

God replies, 'What? You've got an environmentalist? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.'

Satan says, 'No way. I like having an environmentalist on the staff, and I'm keeping him.'

God says, 'Send him back up here or I'll sue.'

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, 'Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?'

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Why are Eco warriors bad at playing cards?

They like to avoid the flush.

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Q: What's the name of the new Tom Cruise eco-thriller?

A: Mission Compostable!

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The Reverend Martyn Hind, parish priest, is to offer 'eco-sinners' the chance to confess in what is thought to be the first 'green' confessional booth.

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Q: Why does a Time Magazine survey state only 85% of Americans think global warming is happening?

A: The other 15 percent work for the oil industry!

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17 trees are saved by every ton of existing paper that is recycled. That means if we pulped every Harry Potter book we wouldn't be able to see the sky for foliage.

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A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night’s dinner on his way home.

The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn’t know what he was talking about, so the husband said: “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?”

To which the produce guy replied, “No, sir, you will have to do that yourself.”

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Q: How do you know your a bad recycler?

A: You give the recycle bins to your kids to use as toboggans.

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Greenhouse effect is an anagram of:

'Huge trees offence'




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Earth Day jokes for kids

    • Why did the farmer plant a seed in his pond?
    • He was trying to grow a water-melon.
    • Why are people always tired on Earth Day?
    • Because they just finished a March.




  • Why couldn’t the flower ride it’s bike?
  • It lost its petals.
  • How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
  • It waves.
  • What goes up when the rain comes down?
  • An umbrella.
  • Why are people always tired in April?
  • Because they just finished a March.
  • Why is grass so dangerous?
  • Because it’s full of blades.
  • Why did the Easter bunny hide?
  • He was a little chicken.
  • Why did the sun go to school?
  • To get brighter.
  • How do trees get on the internet?
  •  They log in
  • Why do hens lay eggs?
  • If they dropped them, they’d break.
  • How do you cut a wave in half?
  • Use a sea saw.
  • Why did the dog bury himself in the back yard on Earth Day?
  • Cause you can't grow a tree without bark.
    • What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
    • A spelling bee
    • What did the tree wear to the pool party?
    • Swimming trunks.
    • Do bees fly in the rain?
    • Not without their yellow jackets.
    • Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
    • It was feeling green.
    • What kind of shorts to clouds wear?
    • Thunderwear!
    • What has 18 legs and catches flies?
    • A baseball team.




  • Why do tornadoes zigzag?
  •  They’re dizzy.
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Environment jokes for kids

  • What did the ground say to the earthquake?
  • You crack me up!
  • Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
  • Because she expected some change in the weather.
  • What’s the difference between weather and climate?
  • You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.
  • How does a bee brush its hair?
  •  With its honeycomb.
  • What kind of plant grows on your hand?
  •  Palm tree.
  • Why can’t you tease egg whites?
  • They can’t take a yolk.



  • What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
  • You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.
  • What do you give a sick bird?
  • TWEETment
  • What is a tree’s least favorite month?
  • Sep-timber!
  • Why did the worm cross the ruler?
  • To become an inchworm.
  • What’s the biggest moth in the world?
  • A mammoth!
  • What type of bird should you never take to the bank?
  • A Robin.
  • Why are recycle bins optimistic?
  • Because they’re full of cans.
  • What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
  • A drizzly bear.



  • What did the little tree say to the big tree?
  • Leaf me alone
  • How do trees get on the internet?
  • They log in

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Pivotal Fun – Jokes about the cold

 

It's so cold ...

It's colder than a gold-digger's heart.
It's colder than Jack Frost's toes after he skates on an icy pond.
It's colder than a brass toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg.
It's so cold the dogs are sticking to the fire hydrants.
It's colder than a witch's belt buckle.
It's colder than a day-old dumpling.
It's colder than skinny dipping in a snow storm.

Q. What's the difference between 'weather' and 'climate'?
A. You can’t 'weather' a tree, but you can 'climate'!Let’s enjoy a chit chat session with our guests…
Words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!Two men are meeting on the street
“It was very cold this morning”
“How cold was it?”
“I do not exactly, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.”

 

What is the opposite of a cold front?
A warm back

It's so cold ...It's colder than in a freezer Antarctica.
It is so cold even property taxes are frozen.
It is cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
It is so cold my cat climbs into the refrigerator just to warm up.
It is so cold snowmen are migrating south.
It is so cold it feels like I'm breathing liquid oxygen.
It is so cold my campfire froze.
Canadian Summers...
- Hi, did you have a good Summer?
- Yes indeed, we had a great picnic that afternoon!!!
Submitted by Paul Bourque, Quebec City, Canada
It's so cold ...It is so cold even the dog wanted a cup of coffee.
It is so cold my eyelids froze shut.
It is so cold I'm using an icetray as a heating pad.
It is so cold my sweaters need sweaters.
It is so cold even global warming tree-huggers are wearing hats and mittens.
It is so cold the polar bears are shivering.
It is so cold you can toss a cup of hot water in the air and hear it shatter into ice crystals.
Q: Why did the Great Woolly Mammoth cross the road?
A: Because they didn't have chickens in the Ice Age.Q: What time is it when a Great Woolly Mammoth sits on your igloo?
A: Time to build another igloo.
It's so cold ...It is so cold I had to turn off the air conditioner.
It is so cold my teeth froze together.
It is so cold my heartburn is cured.
It is so cold that even the squirrels had thermal underwear.
It was so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs.
It was so cold the eye doctor was giving away free ice scrapers with every purchase of a new pair of eyeglasses.
It was so cold squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at electric fences.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Emma!
Emma who?
Emma bit cold out here - let me in!Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mandy!
Mandy who?
Mandy lifeboats - the ship has hit an iceberg!Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Avery!
Avery who?
Avery time I come to your igloo we go through this!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Howard!
Howard who?
Howard you like to stand out in the cold while some idiot keeps asking "Who's there?"Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Guitar!
Guitar who?
Guitar coats, it's cold outside!
It's so cold ...It was so cold Grandpa's teeth were chattering . . . in the glass!
It was so cold teenagers stopped worrying about acne. The new problem . . . goosepimples.
It was so cold I chipped a tooth on my soup.
It was so cold when we milked the cows, we got ice cream.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii.
It was so cold we had to kick a hole in the air just to get outside.
It was so cold my moustache shattered when I laughed.
Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!Q: What kind of coffee were they serving when the Titanic hit an iceberg?
A: Sanka!Q: What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?
A: Lost! REALLY lost! (Penguins live in Antarctica.) 

Q: What's another name for ice?
A: Skid stuff!

 

Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

 

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

 

Q: Where do seals go to see movies?
A: The dive-in!

 

Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.

 

Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.

 

Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!

 

Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!

 

Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.




Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.

 

Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!

 

Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!

 

Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"

It's so cold ...It was so cold tea cosies were being used for things that tea cosies should never be used for.
It was so cold we had to salt the hallway.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower - I got hail.
It was so cold the mice were playing hockey in the toilet bowl.
It was so cold we had an ice-fishing shack in the bathtub.
It was so cold we had lunch down at the "Greasy Spoon" - just for the heartburn.
It was so cold our aquarium didn't need any glass. The downside? The fish were motionless.
Lessons we can learn from a snowman:

  • Wearing white is always in style - even after Labor Day.
  • Getting outside in the winter is good for your health.
  • It's fun just to hang out in your front yard.
  • We're all made up of mostly water.
  • Accessories don't have to be expensive.
  • Don't get too much sun!
  • If you're a little bottom heavy - hey, that's okay!
  • In a confrontation, a hand-held hairdryer can be an effective weapon.
  • You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
  • If you look down and can't see your feet - you're probably not very active.
  • Sometimes sweating too much can have disastrous results.
It's so cold ...It was so cold worms were sticking out of the ground like sticks.
It was so cold when Dad tried to sneak upstairs to bed, the crunching sound under his feet would wake us up.
It was so cold my shadow froze to the ground, and when I took a step it snapped right off.
It was so cold the politicians stopped blowing hot air.
It was so cold if you made an ugly face, it really did stay that way.
It was so cold sitting on that smouldering compost heap wasn't all that bad.
It was so cold the winner of the ice sculpture contest was disqualified when it was discovered he WAS the sculpture.
No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak!

You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

It's so cold ...

It was so cold we thought Grandpa had grown a beard, but it turned out to be just an icicle of frozen drool.

It was so cold kids were telling the most outrageous lies just hoping their pants would catch on fire.
It was so cold we couldn't go outside for weeks at a time, and we were hoping that cabin fever would raise our body temperature.
It was so cold Scotsmen started wearing pants.
It was so cold that when I tried to take the garbage out, it didn't want to go.
It was so cold my car wouldn't run and my nose wouldn't stop.
It was so cold the flame froze on the candle, so I threw it outside. When it thawed out in the spring, it started a forest fire.




Cold Winter

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

 

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

 

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

 

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

 

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

It's so cold ...

It was so cold you could tell how much someone had been crying by the length of the icicles on their cheeks.
It was so cold firemen couldn't convince people to get out of their houses when they caught fire.

It is cold enough to freeze the balls off of a pool table.

Cold Weather Behaviour…

"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion. Degrees (Fahrenheit)

 

(This is definitely American, so for you Australians perhaps you could substitute “Canberra” or “Hobart” for Minnesota, and Gold Coast or Cairns for California …)
75 above zero  Aussies put on sweaters  (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
(technically, they call it a jumper, which explains why they can't find a "sweater")

 

65 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant gardens. Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

 

60 above zero  Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

 

50 above zero: Californians and Vancouerites shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Duluth.  You can see your breath

 

40 above zero: Minnesotans drive with the sunroof open.  Italian cars don't start. Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.  Minnesotans go swimming

 

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

 

25 above zero: Ohio water freezes.  Californians weep pitiably.  Minnesotans eat ice cream.  Canadians go swimming

 

20 above zero: New Mexicans don long johns, parkas and wool hats & mittens. Minnesotans throw on a flannel shirt.  Maritimers put on T-shirts.  Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.  British cars don't start.  New York City water freezes.  Miami residents plan vacation further South

 

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in Minnesota have one last cookout before it gets cold.  Toronto water freezes.  Vancouverites weep pitiably.  Manitobans eat ice cream on the patio.  Maritimers go swimming.

 

10 above zero:  You need jumper cables to get the car going

 

5 above zero:  You can hear your breath.  Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.   Montreal water freezes

 

Zero: Miami residents cease to exist. Minnesotans close the windows. Alaskans put on T-shirts

4 below zero:  French cars don't start.  You plan a vacation in Mexico.  Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

 

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico.  Minnesotans dig their winter coats out of storage.  Too cold to ski.  Manitobans do up the top button.   German cars don't start.  Eyes freeze shut when you blink

 

15 below zero:  You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.  Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.

 

20 below zero:  Cat insists on sleeping in your pyjamas with you.  Politicians actually do something about the homeless.  Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.  Japanese cars don't start

 

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Minnesota still selling cookies door to door. American cars don't start.  Yukoners put on T-shirts.  Too cold to skate.
30 below zero:  German cars don't start.  Swedish cars don't start

 

40 below zero: Washington, D.C.  finally runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors. Ottawans shovel snow off roof.  Canadians put on sweaters.  Your car helps you plan your trip South

 

50 below zero  Too cold to think.  You need jumper cables to get the driver going.  Congressional hot air freezes.  Alaskans close the bathroom window

 

60 below zero:  You plan a two week hot bath (if you could only thaw the water).  The St Lawrence freezes over.
70 below zero:  Vancouverites disappear.  Maritimers put on sweaters.  Other Canadians put on overcoats.  Your car helps you plan your trip South, but won't start

 

80 below zero:  Yukoners close the bathroom window.  Hell freezes over.  Polar bears move South.  Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

 

90 below zero:  Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

 

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because the Mini-Van won’t start.

 

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota can be heard to say,  “Cold ’nuff fer ya?”

 

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools open 2 hours late

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Just for fun at Easter

Irish jokes for St Patrick’s Day

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What do you get when you cross a sheep with a porcupine?

 

 

 

sheep_porcupine
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.: An animal that can sew its own sweaters.

 

 

 

 

 

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Christmas fun

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Funny quotes about Christmas