It's colder than a gold-digger's heart.
It's colder than Jack Frost's toes after he skates on an icy pond.
It's colder than a brass toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg.
It's so cold the dogs are sticking to the fire hydrants.
It's colder than a witch's belt buckle.
It's colder than a day-old dumpling.
It's colder than skinny dipping in a snow storm.

What is the opposite of a cold front?
A warm back

Q: What's another name for ice?
A: Skid stuff!

Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!

Q: Where do seals go to see movies?
A: The dive-in!

Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.

Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!

Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!

Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.

Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.

Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!

Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!

Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"

• Wearing white is always in style - even after Labor Day.
• Getting outside in the winter is good for your health.
• It's fun just to hang out in your front yard.
• We're all made up of mostly water.
• Accessories don't have to be expensive.
• Don't get too much sun!
• If you're a little bottom heavy - hey, that's okay!
• In a confrontation, a hand-held hairdryer can be an effective weapon.
• You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
• If you look down and can't see your feet - you're probably not very active.
• Sometimes sweating too much can have disastrous results.

You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

It was so cold we thought Grandpa had grown a beard, but it turned out to be just an icicle of frozen drool.

It was so cold kids were telling the most outrageous lies just hoping their pants would catch on fire.
It was so cold we couldn't go outside for weeks at a time, and we were hoping that cabin fever would raise our body temperature.
It was so cold Scotsmen started wearing pants.
It was so cold that when I tried to take the garbage out, it didn't want to go.
It was so cold my car wouldn't run and my nose wouldn't stop.
It was so cold the flame froze on the candle, so I threw it outside. When it thawed out in the spring, it started a forest fire.

Cold Winter

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

It was so cold you could tell how much someone had been crying by the length of the icicles on their cheeks.
It was so cold firemen couldn't convince people to get out of their houses when they caught fire.

It is cold enough to freeze the balls off of a pool table.

"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion. Degrees (Fahrenheit)

(This is definitely American, so for you Australians perhaps you could substitute “Canberra” or “Hobart” for Minnesota, and Gold Coast or Cairns for California …)
75 above zero  Aussies put on sweaters  (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
(technically, they call it a jumper, which explains why they can't find a "sweater")

65 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant gardens. Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

60 above zero  Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 above zero: Californians and Vancouerites shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Duluth.  You can see your breath

40 above zero: Minnesotans drive with the sunroof open.  Italian cars don't start. Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.  Minnesotans go swimming

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

25 above zero: Ohio water freezes.  Californians weep pitiably.  Minnesotans eat ice cream.  Canadians go swimming

20 above zero: New Mexicans don long johns, parkas and wool hats & mittens. Minnesotans throw on a flannel shirt.  Maritimers put on T-shirts.  Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.  British cars don't start.  New York City water freezes.  Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in Minnesota have one last cookout before it gets cold.  Toronto water freezes.  Vancouverites weep pitiably.  Manitobans eat ice cream on the patio.  Maritimers go swimming.

10 above zero:  You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 above zero:  You can hear your breath.  Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.   Montreal water freezes

Zero: Miami residents cease to exist. Minnesotans close the windows. Alaskans put on T-shirts

4 below zero:  French cars don't start.  You plan a vacation in Mexico.  Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico.  Minnesotans dig their winter coats out of storage.  Too cold to ski.  Manitobans do up the top button.   German cars don't start.  Eyes freeze shut when you blink

15 below zero:  You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.  Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.

20 below zero:  Cat insists on sleeping in your pyjamas with you.  Politicians actually do something about the homeless.  Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.  Japanese cars don't start

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Minnesota still selling cookies door to door. American cars don't start.  Yukoners put on T-shirts.  Too cold to skate.
30 below zero:  German cars don't start.  Swedish cars don't start

40 below zero: Washington, D.C.  finally runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors. Ottawans shovel snow off roof.  Canadians put on sweaters.  Your car helps you plan your trip South

50 below zero  Too cold to think.  You need jumper cables to get the driver going.  Congressional hot air freezes.  Alaskans close the bathroom window

60 below zero:  You plan a two week hot bath (if you could only thaw the water).  The St Lawrence freezes over.
70 below zero:  Vancouverites disappear.  Maritimers put on sweaters.  Other Canadians put on overcoats.  Your car helps you plan your trip South, but won't start

80 below zero:  Yukoners close the bathroom window.  Hell freezes over.  Polar bears move South.  Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

90 below zero:  Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because the Mini-Van won’t start.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota can be heard to say,  “Cold ’nuff fer ya?”

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools open 2 hours late