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The Fun in Ageing



Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?


Three Sisters

Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?"

"You dern fool," said the 94 year old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."




Old Age Quiz

Q: How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: Where can a man over 60 find a younger, good looking woman who is interested in him?

A: Try the bookstore under fiction.


Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement. Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.


Q: Why should 60+ people use valet parking?

A: The valet won't forget where he parked your car.


Q: Where should old people look for glasses?

A: On their forehead.


Perks Of Being over the Hill

·         Things that you buy now won't wear out. 

·         Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 

·         You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge. 

·         Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off. 

·         You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room. 

·         Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway. 

·         You can sing along with elevator music. 

·         Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television. 

·         Your eyes won't get too much worse. 

·         People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you????” 

·         You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon. 

·         No one expects you to run -- anywhere. 

·         You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.


I am a senior citizen...

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?


OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties 

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance

OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part

OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted

OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver

OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures

OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty

OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling

OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off

OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures

OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter

OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down

OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesse

OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away

OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated


You know you're getting older when...

Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. 

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. 

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D. 

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. 

You look forward to a dull evening. 

Your knees buckle and your belt won't. 

Your back goes out more than you do. 

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions. 


In Memoriam

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”


When your joints are more accurate than the weatherman's, you know you're getting older!


"Inside every 70-year-old is a 35-year-old asking, 'What happened?'" --Ann Landers


"The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older." --Doug Larson


"Old age is always 15 years older than I am." --Bernard Baruch


You're getting older when you are on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does


"I'm not saying she's getting older, but when she lit the candles on her birthday cake, five people passed out from heat exhaustion."

An antique dealer told me, "Age is what makes furniture worth more and people worth less."

Grandpa said, "By the time a man finds greener pastures, he's too old to climb the fence."








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