Dogs never bite me. Just humans.
I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They
always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you
go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't
eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork.
God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs
trying to outsmart everybody?
A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful.
… and today’s jokes
Atheist and a Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all
that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful
animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the
river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he
turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly
charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He
looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing,
He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was
pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and
fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but
saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his
left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time
stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the
river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of
the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years;
teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a
cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as
Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a
Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of
the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both
paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this
food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Q: Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?"
A: He was studying foreign languages.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
The Dead Dog
There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he
followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to
the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn't at
her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called
his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the vet
and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked
at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She asked the
doctor to perform another test to be sure.
The doctor went into another room, and came back with a
cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she
walked around the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage.
The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and
said again, ''Your dog is dead''.
She was like ''Ok, how much do I owe you?''
The doctor said ''$300''
She said, ''What!?!? How could it cost that much??''
He said ''$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the