Fun with the Birds
Teacher – What is the difference between a bird and fly?
Student – Well……a bird
can fly……..but a fly can’t bird.…
Q: What grows down, when
it grows up?
A: A goose.…
Q. What is smarter than
a talking bird?
A. A spelling bee…
Q: When should you buy a bird?
A: When it’s going
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then
cross the road again?
A: He was a dirty double
Q: Why does a stork stand on one leg?
A: Because it would fall
over if it lifted the other one.
Q: Why do ducks fly south?
A: Because it’s too far
Q: What was the farmer doing on the other side of the
A: He was catching all
Q: What do you call a crate of ducks?
A: A box of quackers.
Q: Why didn’t the rooster cross the road?
A: Because it was chicken.
Q: What robs you while you’re in the bathtub?
A: A robber ducky.
DON'T TALK TO MY PARROT
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a
repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she
told the repairman, ‘I’ll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter,
and I’ll mail you a check.’ ‘Oh, by the way don’t worry
about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!’ ‘I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY
PARROT!!!’ When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s
apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest,
meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen.
Just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the
carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The
parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the
repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and
‘Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!’ To which the parrot
replied, ‘Get him, Spike!’
So, you see, men just don’t listen !
This story goes back to the time when gas appliances in
England were being converted from methane to natural
gas. A friend of Trevor’s called Barney had a good job
as a fitter of these replacement gas appliances. It
was a lovely job because they were paid on piece rate.
The more houses they could convert, the more they
Barney got faster and faster at his job. He was expert
at unscrewing the old oven and boiler parts, then
whipping in the new fittings. He was so good that he
could even convert the appliances without turning off
the gas at the mains. Now to pull off this trick Barney
trained his breathing along the lines of those boys who
dive for oysters. He would take a huge lungful of air,
take off with the old fitting – O.K. so gas escapes, but
he soon whacked in the new shiny new joint, and then
gasped another breath from an open window. There was
one other proviso for this risky shortcut, the owner had
to be out.
One day he knocked on the door, explained to the lady
that he had come from the gas board about their north
sea conversion. The owner was delighted that she was
finally going to move from the smelly old gas to the new
natural gas. She told Barney that she just had to pop
to the shops and as her husband was working in the
garden, Barney could go ahead with his fitting. Great
thought Barney, this will be a quick job, no need to
turn off the gas at the mains. The boiler was no
trouble, but one of the jets in the oven was rusty and
crusted. Even though the gas was escaping, Barney
sprayed a can of WD-40 on the obstinate fitting and
eventually it unscrewed and he whisked on the
As Barney came up for air, to his horror, he spotted
that the budgie in the kitchen was lying on its back at
the bottom of his cage. It was not looking good, and to
add to his trouble he could see the lady opening the
gate at the bottom of the garden. What to do? Being
resourceful, Barney cut a length of fuse wire and
wrapped it around the dead budgie’s legs and tethered
him to his perch. As a nice touch he even set the perch
rocking, and then turned and met the lady in the door
way. ‘All done,’ Barney said as he sauntered down the
path to the gate.
‘Good grief, my budgie,’ said the lady. Barney picked
up the lady’s bad vibes and his chances of legging it
were not improved by the sudden appearance of the
woman’s husband blocking his exit. ‘Come back here,’ she
said, and as his escape was cut off by the husband, he
had no option but to turn and face the music.
‘It’s a miracle’, the lady said, ‘when I left this
morning, my budgie was dead, now he’s jumped up on his
perch and is swinging away happy as you please’
~Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown.
The first vulture asks the second vulture: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
~A duck walks into a drug store and buys a chapstick.
The clerk says, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck
says, "Just put it on my bill!"
~Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? If it had
four it would be a sedan.
~A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his
shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that
thing?" The parrot replies, "In France, there are
millions of them!"
~Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer:
To prove to the Opossum that it could be done!
~Question: How do you keep a turkey in suspense? Answer:
I'll tell you tomorrow!