Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: Why don't you iron 4-Leaf clovers?
A: Because you don’t want to press your luck.
I went out drinking on St Patrick’s Day, so I took a bus home...
That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Paddy O'furniture!
Q: How is a best friend like a 4-leaf clover?
A: Because they are hard to find and lucky to have.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Q: What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
A: BOOs
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A: A sham rock
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.'
'I'm sorry sir, I...........'
'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'
Q: Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
A: So the Irish would never rule the world.
Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.
Q: What's the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: 1 less drunk at the party
Q: Why don't women want to get engaged on St Patricks Day?
A: 'Cause they don't want to get a "sham rock".
Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A: St. O'Claus!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish Who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
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Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they're green with envy!
Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A: To keep from falling in the stew!
Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A: He took a shortcut!
Q: What is Irish diplomacy?
A: It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip
Q: What do you call a Cubic Zirconia in Ireland?
A: A sham rock
Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
A: Because they're always wearing green
Q: When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
A: When it's a FRENCH fry!
Q: What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
A: Some poor horse is going barefoot!
Q: Why did the elephant wear his green sneakers instead of his red ones?
A: The red ones were in the wash!
O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.
After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'
"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A: A Jolly Green Giant
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford the plane fare
Q: Have you ever heard of the 6-leaf clover?
A: I haven't either!
Q: Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leafclovers and not 3-leafclovers?
A: They need all the luck they can get!
Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
A: He gets wet!
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, or next year. Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency." replied Brennan.
Drink green beer on St Patricks Day! It counts as a vegetable!
Never iron a four leaf clover because you don't want to press your luck.
Gardening made easy!
An old man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.
So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig the garden up, that's where I buriedthe guns!!!!!"
At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours,but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what he should do now?
The son sent the reply: "NOW plant the potatoes!
"
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty.”Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"
You might also like …
… our
St Patrick’s Day crafts, lesson plans, and more for kids,
and costume/gift ideas.
