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Funny Quotations


"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."

- Oscar Wilde


It is always the best policy to speak the truth - unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

- Jerome K. Jerome


"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"

 - James Thurber


"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets."

 - Mel Brooks


"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers."

- Daniel J. Boorstin


When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
-- Billy Connoly


“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”

- William James


"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."

- Noelie Altito


The Law


"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer."

- Robert Frost


Theft and Thieves


A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself.

- Henry Morgan 


“It is not the thief who is hanged, but one who was caught stealing”

- Czech Proverb




Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

- Larry Lorenzoni


To me, old age is always 20 years older than I am.

- Bernard M. Baruch




Classical music is the kind that we keep hoping will turn into a tune.
- Kin Hubbard

We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one of those Virginia Reels without losing his grip, may be depended upon in any kind of musical emergency.

- Mark Twain


Cold Weather


This cold weather is really something. The bathroom in our hotel room was equipped with hot and cold running ice cubes.

"I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today, I don't understand!'"
- Steven Wright




"All we are is dust in the wind. Dust. Wind. DUDE."

--Ted "Theodore" Logan

Grandpa Randolph from “The Dust factory”: Dust is a funny thing. Its everywhere all at once


There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.

-- George Carlin


A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
-- Robert Frost



"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success."

 Robert Orben

"What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to."

 Hansell B. Duckett

Cars and driving

"If everything seems under control you’re not going fast enough"-Mario Andretti


"Have you ever noticed? Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." 
George Carlin. 


"Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my car, encasing me inside and leaving me to slowly fall into an oxygen-deprived coma, from which I awaken five years later to find my wife remarried to my best friend. But then I think maybe I'm just being paranoid, because what are the odds of *that* happening again?"
Jack Handy




Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead. 
Erma Bombeck

Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings. 
George Will


Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
Jim Murray.





I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Charles Swartz 

Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoke to.
Richard Harris Barharn 


A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
Erma Bombeck 




I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. 
-- Bob Hope


"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."
-- George Burns


"Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."
Bill Cosby


Valentine's Day


"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon."


"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"


"Never go to bed mad -- stay up and fight."

~Phyllis Diller


"The Eskimos have 52 words for snow because it is so special to them; there ought to be as many for love."

~Margaret Atwood


"No matter how love sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along."

~Joyce Brothers


"Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart." ~Unknown


"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"

~Lily Tomlin



Cultural pursuits



"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."

- Rita Rudner