Tag Archive for: relationships

Was it really a surprise to learn that over 80 couples filed for divorce immediately upon leaving lockdown in China? Being together 24/7 is something we rarely experience for any significant period of time, perhaps only at Christmas or on holiday, and then there are usually external distractions.

So, in these extraordinary times, let's consider ways to help your relationship survive COVID-19

- Accept that there will be both up and down days. Everyone has been affected by this pandemic. From losing people you know, work, your business, your health, it's also the uncertainty of how long this time will last and the long-term implications which can cause our minds to run 'what if' scenarios and cause mood swings. Accept that if your partner has a 'meltdown' it's not automatically about you, so don't take it personally.

- Talk to each other. Communication is crucial at a time like this. Don't silently dwell on your situation but don't bottle up how you're feeling either. Keep talking. Everything's different from normal. Our eating habits, alcohol and coffee consumption, exercise, social lives and sleeping patterns have probably changed. Each impacts on our mental and physical health and wellbeing.



- Allow yourself to be 'nudged along' sometimes. If your partner is in a good place, doesn't want to hear negativity, says, 'leave it for now', or, 'stop with the misery', be prepared at times to take that on board. Try to let their good humour filter through to you.

- Keep connected and talk to others, to your family and friends. It's helpful to discover that many people share your fears and concerns and are experiencing similar irritations within their relationships. Maybe join online sites and chat rooms where you can share tips for coping or be receptive to the many activities and interests that are available. Maybe arrange group chats, virtual dinner dates, coffee mornings or book clubs where you can socialise and enjoy the company of a variety of people and activities.

- Agree to give each other space and not do everything together. There are times when one could do the food shop, walk the dog, do some work, go and read, or relax in a leisurely bath and enjoy some time out on their own. Again, it's not personal but allows each space from being 'hot-housed' together for a while.

- Enjoy separate hobbies or interests. One may want to study or is interested in pursuing a hobby that they normally don't have time for. Give them the opportunity to dedicate time to this whilst they can.

- Find new activities you can do together, something that you've both expressed an interest in. Maybe plan a special post-COVID-19 holiday, or revisit your back-catalogue of music, your old photographs, the games you used to play; you can find hours of fun, laughter and nostalgia so helping your relationship survive COVID-19.



- When we're confined to our homes and away from everything that's routine and familiar it's understandable if someone erupts from time to time! Many of us feel we've little or no control. Our familiar structure, work, exercise routine, social structure have all disappeared, almost overnight. Forgive the occasional outburst. But if it happens with increasing frequency try to discuss what happened afterwards, when things are calmer.

- Be patient with each other. Accept that it's often the small things that cause the biggest irritations. A large grievance would most likely be discussed at the time, whereas smaller things, like not emptying the waste bins, leaving a dirty cup on the table, not offering to make a drink could trigger underlying frustrations and annoyances. If this occurs try to step back and agree to discuss it at a less tense time.

- Maybe agree on a 'timeout' word, phrase or action that can be used to create a pause if things appear to be getting too heated. Then detach for a while. Maybe one goes for a walk, cools off, spends time in the garden. Yes, sometimes, particularly in these unprecedented days, we need to ignore some things and not comment or nit-pick over everything that offends or that we dislike. But if rudeness or temper outbursts occur with increasing frequency, you need to consider what your options are. It may help to discuss matters with family, friends or use helpline support.

- Could alcohol be a factor? Sales of alcohol have definitely increased, as has the consumption of sugar and treats and time spent on gambling and pornography sites. Again, mental and physical health, daily exercise, maybe a walk outside, regularly getting up at the same time, showering and keeping a healthy routine all support good health, sleep and a better approach to your relationship.

- If money's an issue maybe negotiate a weekly or monthly allowance to each spend on your own whimsies, with the agreement that no comments are made or questions asked.



- Decide not to let children dominate every waking moment. Some families insist that their home-schooled children wear school uniforms so that they're clear that this isn't an unplanned extra holiday. Plan their lessons but also schedule online exercise classes, craftwork, reading, chores so that you have some quiet time in the day and aren't exhausted by evening.

This period of lockdown could be time for you to pull together, reinforce your love, closeness and connection, able to create many fond memories along the way. A little thought, consideration and sensitivity can help your relationship survive COVID-19.

Susan Leigh, counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor, writer & media contributor offers help with relationship issues, stress management, assertiveness and confidence. She works with individual clients, couples and provides corporate workshops and support.

She's author of 3 books, 'Dealing with Stress, Managing its Impact', '101 Days of Inspiration #tipoftheday' and 'Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain', all on Amazon & with easy to read sections, tips and ideas to help you feel more positive about your life.

To order a copy or for more information, help and free articles visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

 

Dating is the initial and critical first stage in the relationships leading to marriage.  Dating is so important and so terribly misunderstood in this day and age.  As people get involved with dating, they quickly discover that they are in the middle of big unfathomable sea and they are confused.  Youth and young single adults coming into dating newly as well as older single  adults including formerly married men and women have discovered to their chagrin that they have no idea how to make dating work for them.

Dating 101: Principles and Practice is dedicated to charting the all important road-map to this critical stage in the relationships between the sexes.  It explains the principles and the best practices to ensure that you can enjoy the dating stage of the relationship between the male and female gender and have the hope of your dating transiting smoothly into courtship and marriage.

Readers would find Dating 101: Principles and Practice answering the questions they have always asked about dating, such as “where can I find who to date?  “How do I date appropriately? How do I date a guy to early marriage decision? How do I know that he or she is into me? How can I know he or she is my Mr. and Miss Right?  How can I avoid premarital sex during dating? Why should I avoid premarital sex during dating and a lot more?

 

Author:  Pivotal Network Member, Francis Nmeribe

 

Click here to 

Can you recall what anger in a relationship feels like? Anger is a learned reaction to something negative in a situation, often referred to as a trigger. It’s best described as an unbridled horse. For instance, if you do not take control, it is likely to control you.

I would like you to think about what provokes your anger. Make a list of your specific anger triggers. Now, look at your list and think of additional ways to help deal with stressful situations. This simple exercise will help you to recognize and then admit to your anger.

Keep in mind that anger is controllable and a choice that you can choose to do something about if you want. If you tell your spouse or partner when you are angry, then it will help avoid a situation that could be otherwise pushed to the boiling point.

 

Are you beginning to see how choosing to control your anger is an important first step?

Now I want you to go deep into your own mind and visualize the signs when you are angry. Are you trying to conceal your anger by using sarcastic remarks toward your spouse or partner, wanting to lash out at someone or just feeling altogether aggravated?

If you feel hot and flushed and your heart is pounding rapidly, there is a good possibility you’re angry. Other signs of anger include feeling tense or your head is throbbing because your blood pressure is skyrocketing. Stop yourself! Calm down before you say or do anything you are going to regret later.

 

Fix Your Marriage

 

When it comes to anger in a relationship, always try to understand the other person's point of view. It’s not easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes but it can be done if you try hard. Be aware that the other person does not enjoy your anger anymore than you do.

Just because you have a misunderstanding, be willing to cut the person you love some slack whenever possible. When you argue with your partner, do so in a helpful manner. Never, ever call the other person names or bring up experiences that happened in the past because it can serve to drum up painful memories.

Never begin a sentence with "You never," instead focus on explaining how you feel, such as by saying, "I need" or "I want."  This helps to deflect some of the anger and doesn't put the other person on the defensive right away.

Sometimes in order to keep the peace it is necessary to walk away from a situation that is bringing up angry feelings on both people's parts. Often getting away from a situation will help you put it into perspective and then after you feel better you can go back and set things right.

Author: John Doetsch Don’t let procrastination, hesitation or fear stop you. You can easily control anger in a relationship by visiting this site now: http://www.angermanagementstrategies.com/

 

Are you able to be aware of when you need to change or adjust something about yourself? 

Or is it easier or more comfortable to think others and life are the ones that need to change?

One of the ways I know I need to change is when I find myself thinking thoughts in a certain way for an extended time, or I think pretty much the same types of thoughts over and over, but none of this thought activity moves me forward or causes me to feel the way I desire to. This is especially true when it involves another person's behaviors that I feel a challenge, contrast, or conflict with, and wish they'd change so I could feel better. 



What about you? 

What do you do that leads you to see the most obvious and first change to make is in you?

One of the first things we could, should, or would change is our thoughts; and fortunately for us, since we're the only ones who have them, we can address them. That random thoughts will happen spontaneously is a given. Trying to control or stop this fact is a waste of time. But you can transmute thoughts, that is redirect them, once they happen, which takes practice. However, it's important that you distinguish between thought contemplation based in a genuine desire to solve, resolve, or improve and negatively dwelling on or harping on a matter, the latter being a thought activity that will never get you to where you want to be: peaceful, no matter what.

You're going to interact with, or live with, people whose behaviors could be improved; and others will feel the same about you. When someone's behavior triggers you out of your serenity and joy, your quickest way back to those feelings is to change something in or about you, starting with your attitude, mindset, or perspective, and followed by constructive or productive words and/or actions, or even appropriate silence and inaction at times.

Visit our resources on changing attitude here 

You could say a good goal is to stay in peace and in trust in the Universe (though, this is more than a mere goal, it's a desirable way to be); but the words "stay in" puts you on the spot: Who can stay in that mindset all the time? However, as I said a moment ago about thoughts, you can transmute and redirect negative energies that surface in you, which will take practice. And this is a worthy practice because your peace and trust in the Universe are the fastest pathways for the Universe to rebalance what you perceive as having gone off-center in you and your life, in accordance with how Law of Attraction is designed to work, and does.

It's not always necessarily a simple matter to return to peace and trust once triggered by someone or an event, but it is doable. What is also doable is to practice peace and trust in the Universe before you're triggered. It's like that old saying, "A stitch in time saves nine." If you practice on smaller annoyances, you begin to fine-tune yourself for if or when larger ones come along. None of this means you deny, suppress, or never share what you feel; it's about what you do with and about your emotions that surface as a result of your feelings, and your beliefs.





When you think about seeking or having peace, you may think of a quiet place like an isolated beach or an ashram, or a walk in nature, or eliminating every annoying person or matter from your life. However, there are other ways to seek and create peace that we may not as readily think about: assessing and modifying some of our behaviors. Here are some general behaviors some may want to look at:

  • Any of your behaviors that consistently trigger or annoy someone or a number of others in a not-good way.
  • What you say and/or do in a consistent manner that doesn't cause you to feel good or better about yourself, others, and any aspect of your life or life in general.
  • You're always, nearly always, or far too often for your own good, in a negative mood or mindset.
  • You consider yourself superior to all or certain others, which always results in your mistreatment of them, and their subsequent mistreatment of you.
  • You expect and wait for anyone or anything to change, to please your ego-based needs and desires, before you feel good or happy. Note: I'm addressing ego-based needs here, not realistic or practical needs, or behavior anomalies that require real internal or external adjustment for the well-being of those involved.
  • You consistently practice negative levels of gossip or complaining (which is not the same as productive venting to an appropriate listener).
  • You're free with criticism and opinions, whether or not you're asked for these, and deliver them in ways that are non-supportive and don't encourage the understanding, illumination, or improvement you desire.
  • You get angry fast and often, and "go in with gloves on" rather than pick your battles, and pick a more appropriate time to address them.
  • You practice payback or revenge.
  • You practice unusual, non-productive, or harmful levels of self-condemnation.
  • You base your self-worth on anyone or anything external to you, and forget or ignore that you are an expression of the Universe.
  • You believe you have to do everything about or in your life, and don't include the Universe as your partner.

What you see in the above list are behaviors or practices that, if we changed or adjusted enough to not do them or not do them the same way or as often as we do, we would experience more peace. There are two ways to seek peace: where you receive (like sitting on a quiet beach or having a serene hour alone or getting a massage) and where you give yourself and others a more pleasant, peaceful experience by modifying your own behaviors that don't serve you (or them) in a good way. These are changes you can assess the need for then follow through on with practice.



We all deal with the need or necessity of change differently, especially when it's a change in us that's needed. 

Here are some very generalized descriptions of how five behavior types may approach a need for change.

  1. Aggressive types will use coercion, force, verbal abuse, and/or physical abuse against others. But, they won't necessarily recognize their aggressions as such; or if they do recognize them, they may decide they are justified. They may think this is the way to get things done the way they want them to be done: the end justifies the means. They believe little to nothing needs to change about them.
  2. Passive-Aggressive types will resist doing what they need to do or what others need or ask them to do, especially if the request is demanding or authoritative. They may toss out "zinger" statements to make someone feel guilty because they are uncomfortable speaking their truth in a better way. They believe guilt will show (or force) others the errors of their ways; and they'll mope and sulk until the change they desire is obvious and consistent. They control others, or attempt to, by making them feel at fault for how unhappy they feel.
  3. Passive types will fold their energy up like a telescope, and offer no resistance. They suppress the bad feelings they have, but they have them in spades. Passivity, though, lasts for only so long before the person opts for another behavior to release the pressure that's built up. This is because they are not actually easy-going (a very different mindset), but one of the other types above in disguise.
  4. Assertive types look for ways to collaborate or compromise. They speak out and they listen to what others have to say. They're ready to take needed action, and take it. As long as they don't cross over into aggressive behaviors, they stay in the "assertive" zone. They do what they can to accomplish what they set out to do, and often feel confident about decision-making. They tend to encourage, guide, or mentor others.
  5. Spiritual types observe what's going on. They ask themselves and/or the Universe for right questions then seek and ask right questions of others. They ask and trust the Universe to show others, as well as themselves, adjustments that need to be or could be made, rather than charging into battle about matters. Their mantra for more complicated circumstances (and life) is, "I may not know how or when this will be taken care of, but I know the Universe is working on it." They pay attention to signals from the Universe about how and when they should take certain actions. They mostly stay in, or return to, peace and trust more easily, based on experience and lots of practice. They tend to be more easy-going than other types because of this.

The first three types above are examples of unskillful behaviors, which can be transmuted into skillful ones with guidance and practice. And all five types have "shades," as well as "flavors" of skilled and unskilled aspects. Also, under certain circumstances, any of us might display behaviors from the five types: we may desire to be skillful at all times, but find this isn't always the case. But with practice, we can always improve our ratio of skillful-to-unskillful behaviors.





When we don't observe our own behaviors through the appropriate lens, we miss opportunities to choose ways to have and be the feelings we desire most. Look back at the list of behaviors to consider, and perhaps add your own. Look back at the five behavior types and see which one is your current predominant style and which one you'd prefer to be your predominant style. Be honest, and kind, with yourself as you do this. Always aim at making choices that keep you in integrity and encourage you to do your best and feel your best in any given moment, even if you slip or trip up first. It's a good practice, one you'll appreciate.

Practice makes progress.


Copyright 2012 © Joyce Shafer
Joyce Shafer is a Life Empowerment Coach dedicated to helping people feel, be, and live their true inner power. She’s author of “I Don’t Want to be Your Guru” and other books/ebooks, and publishes a free weekly online newsletter that offers empowering articles and free downloads. See all that’s offered by Joyce and on her site at State of Appreciation.

 

 


 

 


These days I find that I don’t bother to read the colorful ads in the Sunday newspaper. I also don’t have the desire to wander through the mall or the fancy furniture stores to see what lovely things they have that I may want.

When I was a young bride, I wanted all the fun, glitzy stuff, like fancy china, sterling silverware, a big house and a cool car.  I forget why I wanted them.  I think it may have had something to do with insecurity and the wish to “keep up with” our friends or society’s expectations.

Over the years I’ve lost that desire, and now I have no need to acquire things just for the sake of having them.  Now my focus is to have a fun, safe, comfortable place for people to gather and enjoy each other.  The focus is on the relationships, not the stuff.

The bottom line is that it’s always about the people. Family, friends, colleagues and the world community are what life is about.  I can have all the wealth in the world, but if I don’t share love, respect and time with others, I have nothing.

So this month I’m reflecting on what’s reallyimportant to me.  It’s always the people, and my goal every day is to show love, caring and compassion, and put more thought, time and energy into reinforcing those connections.

How about you? 

Sandra Abell

Sandy is the author of Self-Esteem: An Inside Job. She is an educator, speaker and a Licensed Professional Counselor. She specializes in working with executives, business owners, professionals, entrepreneurs and people in transition. Sandy publishes a free monthly newsletter entitled Focusing On Your Success. Please visit Sandy on her website at www.insidejobscoach.com  

Can you recall what anger in a relationship feels like? Anger is a learned reaction to something negative in a situation, often referred to as a trigger. It’s best described as an unbridled horse. For instance, if you do not take control, it is likely to control you.

I would like you to think about what provokes your anger. Make a list of your specific anger triggers. Now, look at your list and think of additional ways to help deal with stressful situations. This simple exercise will help you to recognize and then admit to your anger.

Keep in mind that anger is controllable and a choice that you can choose to do something about if you want. If you tell your spouse or partner when you are angry, then it will help avoid a situation that could be otherwise pushed to the boiling point.

Are you beginning to see how choosing to control your anger is an important first step?

Now I want you to go deep into your own mind and visualize the signs when you are angry. Are you trying to conceal your anger by using sarcastic remarks toward your spouse or partner, wanting to lash out at someone or just feeling altogether aggravated?

If you feel hot and flushed and your heart is pounding rapidly, there is a good possibility you’re angry. Other signs of anger include feeling tense or your head is throbbing because your blood pressure is skyrocketing. Stop yourself! Calm down before you say or do anything you are going to regret later.

When it comes to anger in a relationship, always try to understand the other person's point of view. It’s not easy to put yourself in someone else's shoes but it can be done if you try hard. Be aware that the other person does not enjoy your anger anymore than you do.

Just because you have a misunderstanding, be willing to cut the person you love some slack whenever possible. When you argue with your partner, do so in a helpful manner. Never, ever call the other person names or bring up experiences that happened in the past because it can serve to drum up painful memories.

Never begin a sentence with "You never," instead focus on explaining how you feel, such as by saying, "I need" or "I want." This helps to deflect some of the anger and doesn't put the other person on the defensive right away.

Sometimes in order to keep the peace it is necessary to walk away from a situation that is bringing up angry feelings on both people's parts. Often getting away from a situation will help you put it into perspective and then after you feel better you can go back and set things right.

..........................................................

Author: John Doetsch Don’t let procrastination, hesitation or fear stop you. You can easily control anger in a relationship by visiting this site now: http://www.angermanagementstrategies.com/