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Jokes about Cold Weather


It's so cold ...

It's colder than a gold-digger's heart.
It's colder than Jack Frost's toes after he skates on an icy pond.
It's colder than a brass toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg.
It's so cold the dogs are sticking to the fire hydrants.
It's colder than a witch's belt buckle.
It's colder than a day-old dumpling.
It's colder than skinny dipping in a snow storm.

Q. What's the difference between 'weather' and 'climate'? 
A. You can’t 'weather' a tree, but you can 'climate'!


Let’s enjoy a chit chat session with our guests…
Words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!


Two men are meeting on the street
“It was very cold this morning”
“How cold was it?”
“I do not exactly, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.”


What is the opposite of a cold front? 
A warm back

It's so cold ...

It's colder than in a freezer Antarctica.
It is so cold even property taxes are frozen.
It is cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
It is so cold my cat climbs into the refrigerator just to warm up.
It is so cold snowmen are migrating south.
It is so cold it feels like I'm breathing liquid oxygen.
It is so cold my campfire froze.

Canadian Summers...
- Hi, did you have a good Summer? 
- Yes indeed, we had a great picnic that afternoon!!! 
Submitted by Paul Bourque, Quebec City, Canada 
It's so cold ...

It is so cold even the dog wanted a cup of coffee.
It is so cold my eyelids froze shut.
It is so cold I'm using an icetray as a heating pad.
It is so cold my sweaters need sweaters.
It is so cold even global warming tree-huggers are wearing hats and mittens.
It is so cold the polar bears are shivering.
It is so cold you can toss a cup of hot water in the air and hear it shatter into ice crystals.


Q: Why did the Great Woolly Mammoth cross the road?
A: Because they didn't have chickens in the Ice Age.


Q: What time is it when a Great Woolly Mammoth sits on your igloo?
A: Time to build another igloo.

It's so cold ...

It is so cold I had to turn off the air conditioner.
It is so cold my teeth froze together.
It is so cold my heartburn is cured.
It is so cold that even the squirrels had thermal underwear.
It was so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs.
It was so cold the eye doctor was giving away free ice scrapers with every purchase of a new pair of eyeglasses.
It was so cold squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at electric fences.


Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Emma who?
Emma bit cold out here - let me in!


Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mandy who?
Mandy lifeboats - the ship has hit an iceberg!


Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Avery who?
Avery time I come to your igloo we go through this!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Howard who?
Howard you like to stand out in the cold while some idiot keeps asking "Who's there?"


Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Guitar who?
Guitar coats, it's cold outside!

It's so cold ...

It was so cold Grandpa's teeth were chattering . . . in the glass!
It was so cold teenagers stopped worrying about acne. The new problem . . . goosepimples.
It was so cold I chipped a tooth on my soup.
It was so cold when we milked the cows, we got ice cream.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii.
It was so cold we had to kick a hole in the air just to get outside.
It was so cold my moustache shattered when I laughed.


Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."


Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!


Q: What kind of coffee were they serving when the Titanic hit an iceberg?
A: Sanka!


Q: What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?
A: Lost! REALLY lost! (Penguins live in Antarctica.)


Q: What's another name for ice?
A: Skid stuff!


Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!


Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!


Q: Where do seals go to see movies?
A: The dive-in!


Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.


Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.


Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!


Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!


Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.


Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.


Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!


Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water! 


Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"

It's so cold ...

It was so cold tea cosies were being used for things that tea cosies should never be used for.
It was so cold we had to salt the hallway.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower - I got hail.
It was so cold the mice were playing hockey in the toilet bowl.
It was so cold we had an ice-fishing shack in the bathtub.
It was so cold we had lunch down at the "Greasy Spoon" - just for the heartburn.
It was so cold our aquarium didn't need any glass. The downside? The fish were motionless.


Lessons we can learn from a snowman:

  • Wearing white is always in style - even after Labor Day.

  • Getting outside in the winter is good for your health.

  • It's fun just to hang out in your front yard.

  • We're all made up of mostly water.

  • Accessories don't have to be expensive.

  • Don't get too much sun!

  • If you're a little bottom heavy - hey, that's okay!

  • In a confrontation, a hand-held hairdryer can be an effective weapon.

  • You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

  • If you look down and can't see your feet - you're probably not very active.

  • Sometimes sweating too much can have disastrous results.

It's so cold ...

It was so cold worms were sticking out of the ground like sticks.
It was so cold when Dad tried to sneak upstairs to bed, the crunching sound under his feet would wake us up.
It was so cold my shadow froze to the ground, and when I took a step it snapped right off.
It was so cold the politicians stopped blowing hot air.
It was so cold if you made an ugly face, it really did stay that way.
It was so cold sitting on that smouldering compost heap wasn't all that bad.
It was so cold the winner of the ice sculpture contest was disqualified when it was discovered he WAS the sculpture.


No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak!

You can't have your kayak and heat it too.


It's so cold ...

It was so cold we thought Grandpa had grown a beard, but it turned out to be just an icicle of frozen drool.

It was so cold kids were telling the most outrageous lies just hoping their pants would catch on fire.
It was so cold we couldn't go outside for weeks at a time, and we were hoping that cabin fever would raise our body temperature.
It was so cold Scotsmen started wearing pants.
It was so cold that when I tried to take the garbage out, it didn't want to go.
It was so cold my car wouldn't run and my nose wouldn't stop.
It was so cold the flame froze on the candle, so I threw it outside. When it thawed out in the spring, it started a forest fire.


Cold Winter

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.


Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"


The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."


So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."


So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"


It's so cold ...

It was so cold you could tell how much someone had been crying by the length of the icicles on their cheeks.
It was so cold firemen couldn't convince people to get out of their houses when they caught fire.

It is cold enough to freeze the balls off of a pool table.


Cold Weather Behaviour…

"Cold" is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion. Degrees (Fahrenheit)


(This is definitely American, so for you Australians perhaps you could substitute “Canberra” or “Hobart” for Minnesota, and Gold Coast or Cairns for California …)

75 above zero 
Aussies put on sweaters  (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
     (technically, they call it a jumper, which explains why they can't find a "sweater")


65 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant gardens. Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night


60 above zero  Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)


50 above zero: Californians and Vancouerites shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Duluth.  You can see your breath


40 above zero: Minnesotans drive with the sunroof open.  Italian cars don't start. Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.  Minnesotans go swimming


32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker.


25 above zero: Ohio water freezes.  Californians weep pitiably.  Minnesotans eat ice cream.  Canadians go swimming


20 above zero: New Mexicans don long johns, parkas and wool hats & mittens. Minnesotans throw on a flannel shirt.  Maritimers put on T-shirts.  Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.  British cars don't start.  New York City water freezes.  Miami residents plan vacation further South


15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in Minnesota have one last cookout before it gets cold.  Toronto water freezes.  Vancouverites weep pitiably.  Manitobans eat ice cream on the patio.  Maritimers go swimming.


10 above zero:  You need jumper cables to get the car going


5 above zero:  You can hear your breath.  Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.   Montreal water freezes


Zero: Miami residents cease to exist. Minnesotans close the windows. Alaskans put on T-shirts

4 below zero:  French cars don't start.  You plan a vacation in Mexico.  Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you


10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico.  Minnesotans dig their winter coats out of storage.  Too cold to ski.  Manitobans do up the top button.   German cars don't start.  Eyes freeze shut when you blink


15 below zero:  You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.  Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.


20 below zero:  Cat insists on sleeping in your pyjamas with you.  Politicians actually do something about the homeless.  Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.  Japanese cars don't start


25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Minnesota still selling cookies door to door. American cars don't start.  Yukoners put on T-shirts.  Too cold to skate. 

30 below zero:  German cars don't start.  Swedish cars don't start


40 below zero: Washington, D.C.  finally runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors. Ottawans shovel snow off roof.  Canadians put on sweaters.  Your car helps you plan your trip South


50 below zero  Too cold to think.  You need jumper cables to get the driver going.  Congressional hot air freezes.  Alaskans close the bathroom window


60 below zero:  You plan a two week hot bath (if you could only thaw the water).  The St Lawrence freezes over.

70 below zero:  Vancouverites disappear.  Maritimers put on sweaters.  Other Canadians put on overcoats.  Your car helps you plan your trip South, but won't start


80 below zero:  Yukoners close the bathroom window.  Hell freezes over.  Polar bears move South.  Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game


90 below zero:  Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets


100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because the Mini-Van won’t start. 


460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota can be heard to say,  “Cold ’nuff fer ya?”


500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools open 2 hours late



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