Computer Fun

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

Sometimes when my internet is down I forget the rest of my computer still works....

Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error.

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

Microsoft landing

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. 

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. 

"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.

There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer.

J.H. Goldfuss

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

Dave Barry

But they are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso, talking about computers.

Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"

Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside!"

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

Dave Barry

Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid.

William Kelly

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

Computers are good at following instructions, but not at reading your mind.

Donald Knuth

Printer problems

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. 

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII - and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure.

Douglas Adams

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.

Joseph Campbell

The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.

Sydney J. Harris

The effort of using machines to mimic the human mind has always struck me as rather silly. I would rather use them to mimic something better.

Edsger Dijkstra

The Programmer and the Frog

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool!"